external validation

When my writer friends get published, I’m happy.

Seriously.

I send them cyber hugs and virtual cake and buy their books.

Lucy, over at Blonde Write More, wrote a post about becoming jealous of your friends when they have success in the writing world and how to stay positive about yourself.

I enjoyed this post, but it made me realize how not jealous I am.

I’m genuinely happy for my fellow writers.

Although, one of her points was developing “writing confidence issues”. Ah. Yes. Those.

That’s when I realized I am jealous.

I’m a big, jealous, green-eyed Lemon Shark.

But it’s not other writers’ successes.

I’m envious of their freedom to fuck up. Of their risk-taking. Their ability to knock the internal critic off their shoulder and just go for it.

Just write.

I’m forever holding myself back. Hesitant of hitting ‘publish’ on my blog. Self-editing as I work on my novels. Riddled with self-doubt as I type.

So, yes, gentle readers, I’m envious of you.

For not caring what others think. For giving yourself a break. For swearing on your blog. For writing whatever the hell you want to write.

I’m getting there. Slowly. *deep breath* Just write.

My Sunday thoughts in 200 words or less.

Do you get jealous of other writers’ successes? If not, is there anything other writers do that you’re envious of? Can you be supportive and jealous at the same time?

* Yes, a shark is a fish. That’s not a typo.

I dropped a bomb on Monday.

I’ve had super supportive, somewhat supportive, thought provoking, and downright disapproving comments on that post. The only thing they have in common is that they’re amazing.

I love every single one of them.

They made me think of a conversation I had with a friend of mine about validation.

Most people need it. Not many like to talk about it.

There are two types: External and Internal.

People are primarily motivated by one type of validation or the other. There are positive and negative aspects of each (which I won’t get into here).

External needs approval from the outside world.

Internal needs approval from within.

When your inside says “I look horrible”, it doesn’t matter how many people say “You look great!” Because. Internal.

Well, that’s me.

I could be at a party with 50 people all saying they love my hair and, if I don’t like it, I’d leave at the end of the night still hating my hair.

But just because I’m an Internal Val kind of gal doesn’t mean I don’t want to get compliments on my hair. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to get lovely comments from my readers.

Although my validation comes from within, I still value others’ opinions.

It’s not where I live—I don’t need it in order to feel good enough. However, I appreciate it because it causes me to reflect, to look at myself or a situation in a different light. (Also, it’s nice to hear.)

I always love the comments from my readers; they are interesting, thought-provoking, funny, and helpful. But I am truly touched by the comments from my friends on that post. A heartfelt thanks to you all for taking the time to share, support, and commiserate.

So I dropped a blog bomb and it blew up in my comment section. (In a good way.)

Also, behind the scenes, I received quite a few unexpected phone calls, emails, tweets, and DMs.

There was a lot of serendipity.

I’m in the eye of the storm, I believe. Because things have calmed a bit, giving me a chance to think more clearly. But there are dark clouds headed my way.

See you on the other side.

My Sunday thoughts in (a bit over) 200 words.

Do you think about validation? Are you an Internal or External? Do you get your validation from yourself or others?

Update: I was just today reminded of this post by Gulara Vincent: When Quitting is Healthy. Her post is more goal-oriented than giving up on a dream but it’s similar in that quitting can sometimes be a positive thing. It’s definitely worth a read.